We've all been there. Those moments when words just won't surface. They are stuck in our hearts but our brains can't force them into anything adequate in the moment.
The unimaginable has happened to someone you love dearly and you are at a loss on how to comfort. If you are wondering how to be a blessing during a time that seems anything but blessed here is some help for your heart to find words and actions that show you care.
1. Understand that you can bring comfort but you are not the Comforter.
Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom first and foremost. Each person is different and each handles loss differently. Ask The Comforter to speak through you.
2. Know that tears are a good thing
Don't be afraid of her tears. They may make us uncomfortable but why? Tears bring healing. They are a pouring out only to be filled again. Let them come and don't try to stop them.
3. Don't avoid speaking of the loss unless you are asked to.
Most women I have met, myself included, who have lost a child, want to talk about them. Their memories and hopes and dreams for their child are a large part of their lives. Even though the memories may bring about tears and sadness it is so healing for her to share what she loves and misses about her child and it is tremendously comforting to hear about how the life, that was so important to her, is meaningful to others as well.
Write the date of the loss on your calendar and remember with cards, emails, and maybe even flowers on anniversaries. A mom never forgets her baby and it is a huge blessing to have others remember with you.
5. Don't make God out to be the bad guy.
Please don't say that God needed another angel in heaven and that is why He took this child.
Death is in our world because of sin and decay. God is good and His will for us is life. He doesn't need to kill babies or children to add flowers to his garden or create more angels. Yes, he allows death (which is ultimately the most amazing healing of the sick because heaven is their home) but this really belittles the life of a child which was so valuable to their parent and even more than that it belittles our ever-loving Heavenly Father. He is good all of the time and there is no wrong in Him. The child that died had a life of value on this side of heaven (even if it never made it alive out of the womb). That life impacts all who come into contact with his/her parents.
6. Ask how you can help
Be there with meals, phone calls, cards, babysitting, however you can help. Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. He will show you when there is an unspoken need that you can meet.
7. Pray for healing
Pray that God will heal your friend's heart completely from the loss and that the enemy will have no place to lie to them about it. Let them know you are praying for them and ask them if there are specific ways you can pray for them.
8. Don't expect that healing means no more sadness
A person can heal very well from a loss, especially when they are letting God do a complete work in them, but don't expect that to mean they will no longer have sadness or tears over it. A loss means that you will miss that person for as long as you are not with them. The heart heals and it gets easier but the missing never goes away.
Have you lost a baby? What do you wish others would have said or not said, done or not done?
I am working on an eBook to encourage mothers, who have experienced a loss, with what God's Word has to say about death and loss. It will be out shortly and I will offer it for free on this site. Sign up to receive Purposeful Homemaker by email to be notified of when it is released.